When I am out grocery shopping and hear the piercing cry of a kid, I notice people pause in what they are doing and look at the parent. How uncomfortable for all those eyes to be on a parent trying to de-escalate the situation! You hear the demands, the threats, the negotiating, and the defeat that tends to happen to hush the child and get all those eyes off of them. The experience is over, but the residual effects linger until the next explosion happens. So, what could have happened differently? Is there a way to reduce the struggle? Play therapy techniques to the rescue!
Reflecting Feelings
One benefit that parents will notice with reflecting on feelings is that it helps diffuse the problem. Children pause when they realize their parent is not yelling at them but understanding what they are experiencing. When parents acknowledge their kids’ feelings make sense, even a child in that emotional chaos can stop the show of their frustration. The desire to act out the feeling disappears, and the undesirable behavior stops.
Emotional Vocabulary
Another outcome of reflecting feelings is teaching kids to connect the mind and body experience. The kid learns, “Oh, when my body feels this way, this is the feeling.” This connection helps children understand the same sensations and emotions in future scenarios to recall the feeling and communicate it verbally instead of acting out.
The reflecting feelings technique helps reduce tantrums, screaming, hitting, slamming doors, and losing control. It also benefits parents by encouraging them to build their emotional vocabulary. Children are sponges, and they soak up what is around them. When parents model expressing their feelings, it helps teach children to do the same.
Promoting Secure Attachment
The Four Attachment Styles:
- SECURE: I am loved, safe, and can face the world’s challenges.
- AMBIVALENT: I am unsure, insecure, and don’t know if I can cope.
- AVOIDANT: I am alone/lonely, and the world is a cold place.
- DISORGANIZED: I am scared/frightened, and the world is cruel.
All you need to be is a good enough parent to create a secure attachment. Perfectionism is the killer of joy. To maintain secure attachments, you need to admit mistakes. These mistakes are called ruptures, and there are ways to repair them with your children.
Sometimes, parents become overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, angry, and anxious. These swirling emotions affect how you interact with your children when they are having meltdowns or engaging in a power/control standoff. When parents are in a reactive emotional state, it may lead to yelling, giving unrealistic punishments, shutting down, storming away, or spanking. As the parent, you must be the external regulator, one foot inside the chaos and one foot out. If you become reactive at the moment, there needs to be a cool-down period before….you apologize. I know, “If I admit I made a mistake, it undermines my authority.” Not true. When parents apologize for yelling at their children, walking away without resolution, or dolling out harsher punishments than intended, they teach their children how to take responsibility for their actions. When you apologize for yelling, you teach your children that if my mom/dad says it is not okay to yell, my partner/boss/friend/coworker should not be yelling at me. With that apology, you are helping your children create healthier relationships in the present and future.